Alrighty so I am writing about my experiences at camp and how they make me diverse. I'm not quite done with my rough draft but here is a part that I would like to change and improve.
"From going to camp all these years as a camper, I have learned many things that apply to small communities. As a camper at Warren, we learn the four core values of the YMCA, respect, honesty, caring, and responsibility. Making long lasting friendships is also something we learned. As a counselor, leadership and responsibility are the two main things I improved on."
In that paragraph, I don't have much voice and it seems pretty cookie cutter and lame. I like the points I make but it just sounds like a research paper. It's lame.
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Dear Mary,
It is not lame. I agree that you make a lot of good points. I'm not sure what you mean by small communities. Maybe you could say something about how the values of the YMCA lead to long lasting friendships. Try to make it all connect instead of having three separate points.
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